DaveShearon

Bouncing back with RAMP!

Below is a great animation from Derek Sivers.  Derek focuses on how compassion could make the internet better.  Watch, then read below to see how flexible and accurate thinking by one of the characters could have changed her experience for the better. 

A real person, a lot like you from Derek Sivers on Vimeo.

First, Derek's making a good point.  Other people matter, even when we're interacting electronically.

That said, let's look at how one of these scenarios could have been different had one individual employed flexible and accurate thinking and focused on getting more of what she wanted.  This technique is included in Chapter 7, "Building Resilience with Felxible and Accurate Thinking" in Smart Strengths: A Parent-Teacher-Coach Guide to Building Character, Resilience, and Relationships in Youth.  It is also covered in the MCLE-accredited distance learning course "Flexible and Accurate Thinking for Lawyers" through the Thriving Lawyers Institute.

We'll work with Sarah.  She lost part of a workday and most of a weekend because her resilience was low and she struggled trying to bounce back from a critical email.  Maybe it was a tough time and this was not typical for her.  Tough times can drain our resilience.  Or, perhaps, she has some patterns in her thinking that keep her resilience lower than it could be.  Here's how flexible and accurate thinking and a focus on getting what she wants could have helped her bounce back more quickly.

Sarah's thoughts about the email caused her to feel sad, close up shop for the day, and ruminate most of the weekend. Her thoughts likely went something like this:

T1:  Wow, this person is REALLY upset!

T2:  She's right.

T3:  I'm a loser.  I don't have what it takes to succeed and everything that I thought I'd done right was just luck.  I knew it, everything is going to fail!

For you resilient optimists out there who are thinking, "What?!  No one thinks that way," accept for now that they do.  I know.  As a recovering pessimist, I used to think that way.

Using flexible and acccurate thinking, Sarah would first have noticed her heat-of-the moment thoughts are recognized that they were not helping her move in the desired direction - toward a successful business and satisfaction with her life.  Having noticed this, she could have used the RAMP technique to challenge her thoughts. 

Reject:  First, Sarah could have looked for reasons to reject her initial thought.  This might have gone something like, "She is NOT right!  Much of what she writes is totally wrong.  And I am not a loser, I have run this business for years and I have lots of happy customers.  Many of them are even friends now."

Alternatives:  Then Sarah could have thought of alternative reasons for the event and for what it meant for the future.  "10 pages?!!  She wrote 10 pages!!  This wasn't worth that, and much of it is just venting and totally wrong.  She must be pretty unhappy!"

Minimize:  Sarah's on a roll now.  "This isn't about me; it's about her.  And I've got a policy for handling unhappy concerns.  Most times, I keep the customer when I follow that policy, and I bet I will here."

Plan:  Now Sarah's ready to move ahead and get more of what she wants.  She thinks, "I'll send her my standard response and move on."  She sends her standard customer satisfaction response and moves on to finish the afternoon.  She then enjoys her weekend, and by Monday she probably has an email from the unhappy customer thanking her for her response and apologizing for the 10-page complaint.  After all, we know the customer was writing more out of her bad mood than reality.  And, if not, Sarah would deal with her in good faith and with good will, then keep moving forward to get what she wants out of life.

So, Sarah gets more of what she wants:  success in her business and the opportunity to enjoy her life.  Just by using a little flexible and accurate thinking through the RAMP technique. 

Why not try it yourself?  Take any of the other parties above.  Generate their initial thoughts and what feelings and actions might have accompanied them, then apply the RAMP technique to generate different thoughtsand notice how the likely feelings and actions change!  The practice will help improve the flexibility and acccuracy of your thinking.  As a bonus, if we get ten responses, I will pick one response from a parent, teacher, or coach and send them an autographed copy of Smart Strengths.  And I will pick one response from a lawyer and send a free registration to BOTH distance learning courses currently available through Thriving Lawyers Institute.  But, forget about the prizes - do it for the learning!  How would you coach one of these characters to RAMP his or her thinking?

Valuing your stuff

Following in the path of yesterday's post, here's a wonderful video from Derek Sivers about valuing your strengths - he focuses on ideas, but the message applies to all strengths. 

Obvious to you. Amazing to others. from Derek Sivers on Vimeo.

Strength? What strength? Oh, that? That's nothing!

"Ideas are a dime a dozen; it's execution that matters."

Who said that brilliant, pithy line? Me. Often. I was right. But in much more important ways, I was wrong. I was cheating myself every time I said it. Even today, I still cheat msyelf too often in the same way. You likely cheat yourself this way, too. Here's how:

Four of my top VIA strengths are: Creativity, Judgment/Critical Thinking, Love of Learning, and Curiosity.  For me, these strenghts come out as:

• A hunger to gather information about subjects, organizations, and IDEAS
• A tendency to sort, connect, re-arrange, and generally process that information
• An ability to envision compelling new goals, see new pathways to old goals, and gain insights into problems

Put those three together, and often my ideas are strategically on target and powerful.

Sounds good, right?  But, remember what I said above, "Good ideas are a dime a dozen...."  I generally see this process as a toss-off; nothing hard, and nothing to be particulary excited about.  Even worse, I have tended over my life to take it for granted.  I have often failed to work to hone those strengths, and I have rarely (if ever) actively sought to put myself in position to use those strengths.

What I should have been doing - what I should be doing today - is working to develop and hone those strengths through targeted learning and practice.  Eric Ericcson, the leading expert on the development of expertise, has said it takes 10,000 hours to develop expertise, and that what sets the very top performers apart from the merely good is the willingness to work hard at the most difficult parts of their skill.

So, why haven't I been working on these strengths?  Why haven't I been putting myself in positions to use them?  Well, partially because I've taken them for granted and assumed that, because they are relatively easy for me, they aren't particularly valuable.  I've likely also pulled back sometimes because the work was hard, and I've probably carried a deep belief inside me that says life should be easy (stupid, I know, but not uncommon ).  Today, it's mostly fear.  It's not enough just to have ideas.  It is not even enough to put time and effort into refining and honing them.  I have to go beyond that and put them out there - out into the "marketplace of ideas" where they might be torn to shreds, or, worse, ignored! (Bonus points for spotting the Harry Potter reference!)

But, those are my strengths.  Am I going to get more of what I want out of life by going with what I'm not as good at?  Which is worse, failing - or living with the haunting thought I might have succeeded if I had only tried?

The point of sharing these personal thoughts with you is to encourage you to ask yourself some questions.

• What are your strengths?
• Are you dismissing or ignoring them, and if so, why?
• What's the smallest possible step you could begin now that would get you using and relying on your strengths more?

While you think about it, here are a couple of creative pieces that might help you ponder.  The first is "Dance with Who Brung You" by Asleep at the Wheel.  Love it.   Instead of your date to the dance, think about dancing with your strengths.  As the song says,

I had a friend from Texas, he really had some style, he sang that good
old Western Swing and drove 'em wild
Then a talent scout from Vegas said "Boy, play and sing this way"
And in one short year he was broke and in L.A.

 

Facebook, spilled wine, and resilience

Approximately 5 minutes ago, I was sitting at my old wood desk, enjoying a glass of red wine, and catching up with facebook friends.  Fun.  Then I reached for the wine, knocked it over, and broke the glass.  Red wine flowed - over my desk, some books,  and some papers.  A bad word escaped my lips.  But, in that moment, I connected with the skills of resilience I have been learning and teaching the last few years.

Ten years ago, when I was at my personal low both professionally and personally, almost anything could have sent me on a downward spiral.  Certainly a klutzy move like that would have been sufficient cause for much mental self-flagellation, a dump-truck load of negative emotions, and a bad evening overall.  Now, not so much.

The event - knocking over a class, breaking it, and spilling the wine - was just that, an event.  It's effect on me was determined mostly by my thoughts.  Today, I noticed the tendency (I am, after all, a recovering pessimist) to blame myself and see the cause of the event in ongoing personal shortcomings that will affect many other areas of life.  But, my practiced skill of challenging my thoughts kicked in, and I generated these much more resilient thoughts:

1.  Though I like our wine glasses, they weren't all that expensive, and neither was the wine.

2. My wood desk, which I like, has seen worse - including the carvings from my older son! (That brings a grin, now!)

3.  Not so bad - mop up, re-pour, enjoy the evening!

And, with that, the incident moved into the past.  Except, of course, for this blog post.  Minor, you say?  Yes.  But resilience is made up, in large part, of just such responses to events that become minor, or major, depending on our response.  Some people are naturally resilient.  I had to learn it.  I'm glad I did.  And I'm glad that, because I had to learn it, I think I'm a better teacher of it.